Today I'm lucky to have a moment for a little reminiscing.

I remember being maybe four or five years old. A person was playing piano on the television, and I just sat there being drawn into his soul through his playing.

Then both my sister and I ran to my daddy and said, "Daddy, Daddy I want to play the piano! I want to play the piano."

And all I remember is him smiling and saying, "Okay, you will."

I'm just sitting here looking over a piano piece that took me eight hours to create. Grant it, I was given three weeks to develop an amazing piece and I didn't use it wisely. But, as I look at it I can't help but think of the one person that helped me begin my journey. My daddy.

simple thoughts that come and go with the days

I am a "Junior" in college, but this is technically my second year in college. It's been a hard two years. I feel as though I've learned a lot, and yet it seems to be taking me a while to become. When I say "become" what I mean is it seems as though it's taking me a while to reach my destination. I don't feel accomplished or completely ready. I sometimes don't feel change.

And even in thinking of change, I remember a voice teacher of mine once told me I couldn't just wait around for change to just hit me. I have to make an active decision and go after it. Active being the critical key.

I have my good days and I definitely have my bad ones. It's funny because I feel like this is the most in my life that I care so much, and yet do very little.

When I was younger I did beyond what I was asked to do on every assignment, on every task. But, I cared for a different reason then. Or at least that's what I think. Now I think I'm caring for all the right reasons and I can't seem to find my footing on the whole matter.

February 23, 2009

Yes, it is February 23, 2009. I just took a quick glimpse at my last blog from February 3? Or was it 9? (I'm pretty sure it was an odd number). I noticed, though, I didn't finish my thought. I remember trying to write that night and actually being distracted by other thoughts. Other thoughts pertaining to my sisters as well, but not exactly to the topic I began writing on. And here I am now, almost two weeks later. All I remember from that night was having a heartfelt discussion with great people. However, tonight I will finish my blog thought. So here it goes...

Cleanliness. Clean. Spotless. Dust-free. Dirt-free. Sanitary. Disinfected. Unblemished. Immaculate. Pristine. Cleanliness.

Well, everyone who "knows" me knows that I am not the most organized person. I believe I stay away from being dirty, however, I am all over being messy. Despite the mess I just know where things are. I just know that my magenta tank top in under the jean jacket that's under the gray sweatshirt, which is ofcourse under my red blanket all of which are on my bed.

I wake up in the mornings, take my shower, and walk out the door, leaving behind me a desk covered with stacks of papers from maybe a year ago. Piles of clothes are on my bed or jammed into my dresser. Shoes: heels, sneakers, sandals, slippers. Everywhere. But, I wake up and I just walk out.

I don't think about my mess until...I come home after what I feel is an extremely, overbearingly long day. I unlock the door to my apartment, and almost immediately as I step forward I encounter my desk covered with the mess that I left on it. I walk into my bedroom and before I can just hop into my bed I simply push the mess aside so I can lay down. And well, it had gotten seriously old. I was tired of walking into my mess. I was tired of holding onto it, hanging out with it, and just living in it.

So, last Saturday I decided to clean. Oh my word "clean" is pretty. Everything is where it should be. Important papers in binders or folders found in my desk drawers. Unimportant papers are in the dumpster...clothes are happily folded and tucked in my dresser or hanging joyfully in the closet. My shoes are in their little cubbies, everything is clean.

Today was my first day of coming home to a clean home. The feeling I had when I woke up this morning and the feeling I received when I walked through the door after school was relaxing and peaceful.

I take this story of my life, and I slightly step back. I analyze what the Lord is trying to show me in such an example; our lives, as humans, are so messy, disastrous, and yet beautiful.

We might know what makes us tick or what makes us cry. We might know where every single thing is in our messy lives. But God doesn't want us to live like that. Life isn't perfect, but we can clean it up here and there. God takes our mess and organizes it. He cleanses us; he makes us pure and spotless.

Messes don't clean themselves. We have to choose to clean up.

We must choose life; we must choose Christ.

We must; therefore, we must choose to strive for excellence in every aspect of our lives, especially our messes.

I titled my other blog "selfless" in hopes that one day I will be farther away from self-righteousness, self-pride, selfish, self-pity, self-centeredness (it is a word), all those "self" words that take such a hold on my life to one day be selfless. And here I title my next blog "grace." A name actually given to me by my father. He told me I was given such a name as a reminder of God's great grace; that God's grace would always be upon me. Random, yes. This entire first portion of my blog is random. So here is my "real blog," here is my mind.

Tonight from around 8:30 p.m. to about 10:30 p.m. I had the wonderful opportunity to meet with my sisters. Beautiful young ladies they are. We discussed where we are in our walk with God. There was talk of martyr stories and "food for thought" moments, and on top of all that, numerous, difficult questions that none of us could sufficiently and efficiently answer.